I have missed sharing and recording my experiences here.
I have missed the accountability and the clarity that comes with clicking “Publish.”
Mostly, I have missed the connection and dialogue with my dear blogging friends.
But, I haven’t gone away, really.
I am still here many times a day, poking about, responding to visitors, leaving comments, reading through my blogroll…
I love it here. Deleting this space isn’t an option for me!
The problem I have been trying to reconcile is one of where is this blog heading?
My original goal was met; I have tapered completely off of benzodiazepines.
Now what?
Well, it seems that by taking time off for healing, I’ve strengthened another (two-headed) monster: my agoraphobia and concomitant depression.
Let me explain.
Last spring, I decided to really devote all my energy to getting off benzos. I expected the worst. Why? Well, I knew from my own numerous failed attempts to titrate off Klonopin and Xanax that the withdrawal was no picnic.
I hadn’t many obligations at the time, but the ones I had I terminated. I didn’t want anything to come between me and my healing process. I couldn’t do both and be successful.
So there I was, completely free to devote every minute of every day to my taper.
It worked. August 14th, 2007 was the last day I took a regular, daily dose of benzodiazepines. The next day was the first Wednesday in over 18 years I did not take benzos. What a momentous accomplishment!
Unfortunately, as I mentioned, there was a price for this freedom.
I lost practice going out into the world. I disconnected totally from life outside my home. Not that I was totally engaged in life before the final taper, but still…
Before the final push, I was volunteering at a local State Park a few times a week. If necessary, I could drive myself to the local shopping center. I could on occasion get groceries alone. With some effort I could see the doctor on my own. I had even signed up to teach ESL — something I absolutely love to do.
Not many activities (as I was just broken from all the medication), but I still had my safe places I could go without my husband.
March will be one year since I started the final taper.
Today, and for the last half a year, I really never leave the house alone except to drive to my weekly therapy session. This two-hour outing is a huge deal. Her office is about 5 miles and three stoplights away from where I sit right now. No freeways, but still…
Sometimes while traveling to my therapist’s office, I must pull off the road if I find a car behind me. Once, I panicked when I forgot my asthma inhaler and phoned my husband to bring it. I use it maybe 5 times a year! I only have very minor asthma, but, at that moment, I was convinced I needed it Just in Case. I’ve even been known to disrobe in her lobby in order to remove my bra which I swear is trying to choke me.
And, now when I have to go to the doctor’s, my husband not only drives, he accompanies me while meeting with the doctor. I wonder what the doctors think? Maybe that he’s super controlling? Mega-paranoid? I wonder what my doctor thought as I was getting my last Pap and my husband was there (apparently) watching the doctor’s every move?
Little do they know he’s with me because, without him, I’d panic even more. It’s certain I would never make my medical and dental appointments in the first place if I were to go alone.
Now, I’ve read about people having similar issues of agoraphobia while withdrawing from benzos.
With some fortunate people, titrating off benzos is exactly what they need to stop panic attacks in their tracks. It seems for many, many people, benzos cause panic attacks and agoraphobia to develop or worsen.
In my case, the entire quality of my life spiraled while taking benzos chronically.
But, while taking benzos, I still engaged in life. Not a lot, but some.
Today, I have gone out to places like a restaurant here and there or the grocery store, but always with my husband.
I do not trust my body, my mind, my behavior when I am alone in the world. And the depression and hopelessness that comes from being completely dependent upon other people for basic needs is overwhelming.
This is very difficult to explain. I sound like I am contradicting my entire original blog thesis.
However, with benzos — which I hate for what they did to me — I can have some limited degree of independence.
Yes, this is a contradiction.
Unfortunately, the immediate relief from panic that benzos gave me over time accumulated into something very, very ugly.
What I am trying to convey here is just as confusing as it sounds. Six months since stopping chronic benzos I am more housebound (and more depressed) than ever.
But, at the same time, I am much better off physically and emotionally. Yet, the level at which I have evened-out is still not enough for me.
I’m not functioning well. The quality of my life is still unacceptable, but if I start chronic benzos again, my life would still get worse. I must remind everyone that I had NO decrease in frequency of panic attacks while taking benzos. Still, with them, I was more independent.
Does this make sense?
I don’t doubt that getting off chronic benzos was the very best choice for me. I have an accurate baseline now for my moods and behavior. While being polydrugged for so many years, I had lost sight of myself. I didn’t know who HSP Woman truly was under all the medication.
So, back to the original question: where is this blog heading?
Well, I have been so inspired by the strength of such bloggers as Coffee Cup, Anxious Annie, Around ‘n Around, Robert, Lynn, and Annie the Agoraphobic. As I read their posts about dealing with panic and agoraphobia (or caring for loved ones with agoraphobia), I am convinced I can benefit from focusing on expressing my experiential avoidance behavior — in other words, my agoraphobia. That also implies talking about my depression more.
I wish the agoraphobia and depression had vanished the day I stopped benzos. They did not.
The panic attacks are a major drag, benzodiazepine withdrawal is the pits, but very few things in my life suck more than agoraphobia and depression.
Why don’t I trust my body, my mind, my behavior?
Is this the best quality of life I can hope for?
What am I so afraid of?
Posted in agoraphobia, benzodiazepine withdrawal, benzodiazepines, depression, panic attacks | Tagged agoraphobia, avoidance behavior, benzodiazepines, benzos, depression, fear, housebound, Klonopin, new blog focus, panic attacks, polydrugging, trust, Xanax | 28 Comments »














