A Change in Blog Direction
Posted by: HSP Woman on: February 11, 2008
I have missed sharing and recording my experiences here.
I have missed the accountability and the clarity that comes with clicking “Publish.”
Mostly, I have missed the connection and dialogue with my dear blogging friends.
But, I haven’t gone away, really.
I am still here many times a day, poking about, responding to visitors, leaving comments, reading through my blogroll…
I love it here. Deleting this space isn’t an option for me!
The problem I have been trying to reconcile is one of where is this blog heading?
My original goal was met; I have tapered completely off of benzodiazepines.
Now what?
Well, it seems that by taking time off for healing, I’ve strengthened another (two-headed) monster: my agoraphobia and concomitant depression.
Let me explain.
Last spring, I decided to really devote all my energy to getting off benzos. I expected the worst. Why? Well, I knew from my own numerous failed attempts to titrate off Klonopin and Xanax that the withdrawal was no picnic.
I hadn’t many obligations at the time, but the ones I had I terminated. I didn’t want anything to come between me and my healing process. I couldn’t do both and be successful.
So there I was, completely free to devote every minute of every day to my taper.
It worked. August 14th, 2007 was the last day I took a regular, daily dose of benzodiazepines. The next day was the first Wednesday in over 18 years I did not take benzos. What a momentous accomplishment!
Unfortunately, as I mentioned, there was a price for this freedom.
I lost practice going out into the world. I disconnected totally from life outside my home. Not that I was totally engaged in life before the final taper, but still…
Before the final push, I was volunteering at a local State Park a few times a week. If necessary, I could drive myself to the local shopping center. I could on occasion get groceries alone. With some effort I could see the doctor on my own. I had even signed up to teach ESL — something I absolutely love to do.
Not many activities (as I was just broken from all the medication), but I still had my safe places I could go without my husband.
March will be one year since I started the final taper.
Today, and for the last half a year, I really never leave the house alone except to drive to my weekly therapy session. This two-hour outing is a huge deal. Her office is about 5 miles and three stoplights away from where I sit right now. No freeways, but still…
Sometimes while traveling to my therapist’s office, I must pull off the road if I find a car behind me. Once, I panicked when I forgot my asthma inhaler and phoned my husband to bring it. I use it maybe 5 times a year! I only have very minor asthma, but, at that moment, I was convinced I needed it Just in Case. I’ve even been known to disrobe in her lobby in order to remove my bra which I swear is trying to choke me.
And, now when I have to go to the doctor’s, my husband not only drives, he accompanies me while meeting with the doctor. I wonder what the doctors think? Maybe that he’s super controlling? Mega-paranoid? I wonder what my doctor thought as I was getting my last Pap and my husband was there (apparently) watching the doctor’s every move?
Little do they know he’s with me because, without him, I’d panic even more. It’s certain I would never make my medical and dental appointments in the first place if I were to go alone.
Now, I’ve read about people having similar issues of agoraphobia while withdrawing from benzos.
With some fortunate people, titrating off benzos is exactly what they need to stop panic attacks in their tracks. It seems for many, many people, benzos cause panic attacks and agoraphobia to develop or worsen.
In my case, the entire quality of my life spiraled while taking benzos chronically.
But, while taking benzos, I still engaged in life. Not a lot, but some.
Today, I have gone out to places like a restaurant here and there or the grocery store, but always with my husband.
I do not trust my body, my mind, my behavior when I am alone in the world. And the depression and hopelessness that comes from being completely dependent upon other people for basic needs is overwhelming.
This is very difficult to explain. I sound like I am contradicting my entire original blog thesis.
However, with benzos — which I hate for what they did to me — I can have some limited degree of independence.
Yes, this is a contradiction.
Unfortunately, the immediate relief from panic that benzos gave me over time accumulated into something very, very ugly.
What I am trying to convey here is just as confusing as it sounds. Six months since stopping chronic benzos I am more housebound (and more depressed) than ever.
But, at the same time, I am much better off physically and emotionally. Yet, the level at which I have evened-out is still not enough for me.
I’m not functioning well. The quality of my life is still unacceptable, but if I start chronic benzos again, my life would still get worse. I must remind everyone that I had NO decrease in frequency of panic attacks while taking benzos. Still, with them, I was more independent.
Does this make sense?
I don’t doubt that getting off chronic benzos was the very best choice for me. I have an accurate baseline now for my moods and behavior. While being polydrugged for so many years, I had lost sight of myself. I didn’t know who HSP Woman truly was under all the medication.
So, back to the original question: where is this blog heading?
Well, I have been so inspired by the strength of such bloggers as Coffee Cup, Anxious Annie, Around ‘n Around, Robert, Lynn, and Annie the Agoraphobic. As I read their posts about dealing with panic and agoraphobia (or caring for loved ones with agoraphobia), I am convinced I can benefit from focusing on expressing my experiential avoidance behavior — in other words, my agoraphobia. That also implies talking about my depression more.
I wish the agoraphobia and depression had vanished the day I stopped benzos. They did not.
The panic attacks are a major drag, benzodiazepine withdrawal is the pits, but very few things in my life suck more than agoraphobia and depression.
Why don’t I trust my body, my mind, my behavior?
Is this the best quality of life I can hope for?
What am I so afraid of?
34 Responses to "A Change in Blog Direction"
February 11, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Hi hsp woman -
I wondered what you were up to. Although I saw your comments here & there and knew that you weren’t far away.
Sorry to hear about your continuing problems. But here’s a thought – for a while, a long while, you were totally focussed in withdrawing from meds. You got your goal. Do you think that if you set yourself another goal, it would help to lift your depression?
Anyhow, I hope that your blogging is as therapeutic for you as it is for me. And it’s nice to know that others care, isn’t it?
Welcome back!
February 11, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Hi Sarah,
How cute is the little heart after your name! I love it. How do you do that?
You write:
Its a matter of regaining faith in yourself and your ability to overcome this illness.
I’m not sure if I ever had faith in myself! I think back to pre-agoraphobic days and I was still really unsure of my capabilities. Yes, I could go out, but at the same time, all my self-esteem came from the “praises of others.”
Like I wasn’t good enough if someone else didn’t reassure me I was.
But, you’re so right about freedom coming from inside, from gathering and expressing faith in ourselves.
I want to learn how to trust and LOVE my body whether it’s panicking or not!
I hope we both start to trust ourselves first.
Good advice, Sarah.
February 11, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Hello Robert,
You are so right when you remind me I was completely focused on one goal for so long!
After reading your comment, I feel better. You’re just so right.
My big issue now is that the quality of my life isn’t what I hoped it to be after tapering off the benzos.
Don’t get me wrong — daily benzos really messed me up!
But still, part of me thinks some medication may be helpful after all.
I’ve already changed my position in that I now think an anxiolytic taken on a truly PRN basis can be helpful.
Is Marie taking medication? If so, does it help?
I’m looking into a new medication carefully. I won’t write too much about it until I gather more data, but still it looks promising.
I just want to live a value-driven life. Anxious or not, I want to be able to go outside and find the things that I love to do.
Thank you for your continued support.
Gosh, what great blogger friends I have across the Atlantic!
February 11, 2008 at 8:28 pm
HSP woman,
I know you talk mostly about benzos but your polydrugging experience is significant too.
In my polydrug groups people talk about it taking up to 5 years to reach full recovery once off the meds.
I don’t have full blown agoraphobia, not at all really, but I still relate in that my life is extremely limited and sometimes it seems that it gets more and more limited. I suppose it could end up being agoraphobic if it continues. I’m trying to avoid that by moving into my local town because I am basically housebound out in the country—I’m afraid to drive into town.
I don’t really know what I’m saying–except that I want to encourage you to consider that you are still healing from all the drugs—not just the benzos. I used to concentrate more on the benzo’s when I didn’t have all the polydrug users experiences — for awhile all I could find were benzo groups. But now I’ve heard from many others. I think those of us who have been on many drugs have a more difficult recovery (that’s a generalization—but I’ve been privy to so many people’s experiences now)
All of us recover, benzo and polydruggers, but it takes time and recovery is not instantaneous upon the end of withdrawal.
I suppose we could say recovery takes a lifetime. We can all strive to continually “get better” until we die. It will simply look radically different down the road.
I don’t feel like I’ve articulated myself well at all….I guess because I too am trying to figure it all out and I’m still in withdrawal.
In any case, it was wonderful to read your new post. I’ve really missed you—even though I knew you were out there peeking in at us from time to time.
my best to you and I hope we can continue on this journey together.
February 11, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I know you talk mostly about benzos but your polydrugging experience is significant too.
Dear Gianna,
You bring up a very good point.
I can’t forget that just about three years ago I was taking Seroquel, Trileptal, Lexapro, Klonopin, and Xanax.
Geez… I forgot it was so recent. Good insight, thank you.
I don’t feel like I’ve articulated myself well at all….I guess because I too am trying to figure it all out and I’m still in withdrawal.
In my opinion, you are always very articulate 
I appreciate your perspective and experience very much, Gianna.
Thanks for reminding me of a very significant fact. I tend to focus on the benzos I think because they were so damn hard to get off of. But just because the Seroquel, Lexapro, and Trileptal weren’t as difficult to taper off for me, doesn’t mean they didn’t do a lot of damage to my poor brain.
You are right on the money here.
February 11, 2008 at 8:43 pm
One more thing, Gianna
Regarding your move to town, I believe (from personal experience) passively or actively engaging in city life could make a HUGE, positive difference in your recovery.
February 11, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I know it in my gut HSP woman…I’m fighting for my life here and separating from my husband temporarily to do it. I can’t believe how incredibly supportive he’s being. I married him so doped up on drugs I didn’t know who the hell I was. The withdrawal has uncovered parts of me I need to discover on my own. He gets that and I’m profoundly humbled by his trust in me.
I will do better in the city. And hopefully he can join me in the not too distant future….
February 11, 2008 at 8:50 pm
He gets that and I’m profoundly humbled by his trust in me.
What a real blessing, Gianna.
Remember that trust your partner has in you when you start to doubt it yourself.
Your life is most definitely worth fighting for.
Whatever it takes.
February 12, 2008 at 3:58 am
Hi..
The heart is made up from
&hearts ;
but the ; is right next to the “s”
Sarah♥
Let me try: Sarah♥
Very nice. It worked. Thanks Sarah!
February 12, 2008 at 4:29 am
“Is this the best quality of life I can hope for?”
I have asked myself this question so many times I’ve lost count! Actually I probably wonder this everyday. But in reality, there is never harm in hope is there? And we can never know unless we try(try to remind myself this all the time!). I wish I felt comfortable enough to go places with my husband, I figure, “Hey, I’m out!” So what if I needed someone there? Better than hiding like a scared mouse in my pajamas inside like I do now!
When I find myself thinking I am the worst off since it seems everyone else can actually go out, I remind myself, “Where you are now, someone is or has wished to be”. I know there are people who cannot even walk to their mailbox, or be home alone, or even leave their room. Of course if I compared myself to someone who can hop a plane and travel and speak in front of people without so much as a butterfly in the tummy then I am going to feel like garbage(which unforunately I sometimes do…because I feel like, hey WHY can’t I be like that?!)
What you describe with using the benzo’s is exactly why I am trying very hard to avoid them. I had to take antidepressants for severe depression a few years ago. They very well saved my life, and did work. But first I tried Paxil, which made me so zombie-like and exhausted I almost fell asleep on a sidewalk. Trying to wean from that to Celexa I was sick as a dog. Then after a couple years, and I started get a lot better, I had to stop the Celexa because it caused acid reflux that eventually couldn’t be controlled by the Nexium while on them. It was a month of withdrawal, feeling like hell…dizziness, vomitting, nausea, exhaustion, mood swings. So when they tried to put me on Effexor for this, and seeing the short half-life, I’ve debated whether I want to go back down the road. My mind is clear, I’m not in danger of myself this time. I’ve actually felt like I’m not trying hard enough because I’m refusing the drugs, and doctors of course will give you that impression, because hey, sometimes they do help. But then, how long do I have to take it? what about side effects?(I now will be on medication for life for acid reflux from being on them, and my variety of food is severely limited). What about withdrawal?
So even though it served a purpose, it still had a price, and sometimes that price gets too high. I truly believe that you will be able to obtain independence again. I know it feels like steps back, but this time around when you make achievements like going out to a mall/shopping/travelling, it will be all YOU. You’ve taken the step forward already by wanting to confront it, and theres so many supportive people in this blog community who have been there!
Hi AA,
You are so eloquent and hopeful. You have such a positive, healthy outlook.
You write:
When I find myself thinking I am the worst off since it seems everyone else can actually go out, I remind myself, “Where you are now, someone is or has wished to be”.
I love this perspective. Since I first read your comment, I have repeated this thought a few times. My attitude went from resentful to grateful.
And, you’re right about me being really me now. The best thing about getting off being polydrugged is the fact I found me. A recovering me, but me nonetheless.
Thank you for taking time to write such a thoughtful comment.
February 14, 2008 at 9:37 am
I, like you, have wondered where I should take Life w/ PMDD. I have decided that it is life with PMDD which opens up a lot of options and I am just going to go with it.
You have come so far, I believe that continuing talking/posting about how and what you are doing to continue down your path is a great way to go.
This is about your life and the agoraphobia, etc… is a part of that.
Continuing posts about learning to live again without the meds, etc… while still having issues to deal with that didn’t go away will be very helpful not only for you, but for other’s.
It is so frustrating when you hope you will feel much better all the way around when making a step, rather starting or stopping meds, and you don’t feel as great as you thought you would.
I have been there, both ways. It’s like it shoves me back into the dirt because I feel like I can’t win either way.
Your site on your dealings will help a lot of people.
Good luck to you and Happy Valentines Day! I am hoping to have a great one. PMDD won’t kick in for 2 more days.
Dear Stef,
You are so supportive. Thank you a million times! And I know you know exactly what it’s like to get off meds, wonder if it’s better or worse, blah, blah, blah… 
I have to agree that sharing our experiences is probably helpful to ourselves and others with similar challenges. I think now of the young people who are just experiencing panic and agoraphobia for the first time. They have so much support we never had! Gosh, if I had the opportunity to read people’s blogs 18 years ago…
But, at least we have the online support system now. Better late than never!
I wish you success in dealing with your severe PMDD. It really kicks in like clockwork, yes? Hugs to you.
February 15, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Hi HSP, What you have endured to free yourself from this medication is truly awe inspiring.
You write with such bravery and sincerity that it would be a great loss to very many if you ended your blog. The journey is not over yet and it’s now that you are starting to realise your true self. With such a difficult goal to reach, and that you have successfully achieved it, there has to come a period of anti-climax and a reassessment of where the new goal lies. It seems that having had to focus with such mental and physical intensity on meeting this challenge it’s been all consuming and exhausting. It surely will take time to re-adjust?
It was such an enormous struggle to get to this point, who can not sympathise that you had hoped for a huge change for the better?
Now it’s time to gently learn to trust in yourself again. I can only imagine what it must have been like to have been dictated to by medication and wish I had more to offer than empathy alone. It’s been such a long time since you have been free to be youself, and that release must bring with it a whole host of different feelings and anxieties. You can tackle the panics and the agoraphobia, and without the false support of these drugs. This is about changing how you think, now that you are clear to make better decisions about tackling the problems. The tablets have just masked the real issues, and of course, they are still there, and need to be confronted afresh.
With my anxiety I feel it’s like having to learn to walk all over again. Take a clean sheet and start from scratch. It’s not about what you have done before but how far can you go today. It’s almost like forgetting everything you have learned and completely focussing on one day’s goal at a time, baby steps. I wish you all my love and good wishes. You will get there! x
February 15, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Steph,
You are so inspiring. Maybe you should be a therapist! Seriously! I feel all warm and squishy inside. Like I just drank a big mug of comforting hot chocolate.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I appreciate your insight and your sympathy. You are so right when you say the Real Issues need dealing with now — without the cloak of polydrugging.
I think, however, that I never really trusted myself. But, I love the suggestion to gently learn to trust…
And, baby steps is right!
February 20, 2008 at 2:07 am
Hi HSP,
I was so happy to see that you’re back – I missed you. A lot of you’ve written resonates with me. Like you, I feel really pleased that I am now completely off benzos. I know I would never ever take another benzo drug and do not regret discontinuing. A part of me however, wondered how am I going to pick up the pieces and start over – things like driving again etc.
Then I started telling myself “you’ve got to make your own happy ending”, and I started doing things to normalize life again – like university short courses in psychology and once the spasms subside, I will be doing driving lessons – after driving for more than 25 years!
I think what Robert said about setting goals – even mini ones – should help. Please don’t be too hard on yourself for how you are feeling – I was on Klonopin/Rivotril for 8 years and even with my counselling training and experience, I still have a long way to go. You were on it plus other meds for much longer so please be gentle with yourself and allow the time for your healing to continue to take place.
Remember too, that a lot of feelings, thoughts and emotions that the benzos may have suppressed will continue to surface for a while longer and that physically your nervous system is still readjusting to functioning normally without the drug. So even if you challenge yourself to do more, don’t forget that you beat benzodiazepines and that is no mean feat : ).
With hugs and lots of healing energy,
Hannah
February 21, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Hi Hannah,
Thanks so much for the words of support and insight.
It’s hard to withdrawal from chronic benzo use, isn’t it? But, in the last few weeks, I have taken 1-2 mg of Valium now and then though. I only use Valium because of its long half-life. I could never tolerate a short-acting benzo again. No thanks! I did go months with nothing.
I believe taking the benzos every day for so many years really damaged me. BUT, I’ve always said, if they had worked I wouldn’t have tapered off them.
I find that the occasional Valium does help. Not everyday, but in some cases I can see its benefit. Again, this is my experience only! I am not trying to pass judgment on anyone.
But, like yourself, I absolutely do not regret discontinuing chronic and ineffective benzos.
It’s hard to adjust without them, but worth it.
I wish you well. Sorry to hear about your low-carb (ketogenic) diet. I can really see the logic behind low carb-high protein diets, too.
I, too, recently tried a restricted-carb lifestyle. Unfortunately, I was one of the very few who didn’t flourish on it.
It seems some people need carbs to regulate serotonin production. I couldn’t understand why everyone feels so good on this diet and I felt like I was in major benzo withdrawal again.
Very soon after increasing my carb intake, I started to normalize a bit.
You and I seem to have some very similar physiology!
February 22, 2008 at 5:59 am
HSP-
I read your new entry a while back…but I needed to wait to reply; to get my thoughts down clearly. What I want to say to you is exactly what I need to say to myself…so we will both benefit!
F=FALSE
E=EVIDENCE
A=APPEARRING
R=REAL
What is fear? Well, it is whatever we perceive it to be. We must change our perception of the situations we perceive to cause fear. It is never the place…it is always our fear of our feelings of the place. We must break this down to basics. Take baby steps. Lower our expectations. Learn to laugh at ourselves. Stop striving for perfection. Stop berating ourselves. Stop the labeling. Stop the negativity. Stop living in the past. Stop what if’ing. Start loving ourselves, faults and all. Start giving ourselves a hug every morning. Start being thankful that we are alive. Start being thankful that we are so special. Start changing the false beliefs we have created. Start blaming no one, no pill, no past expience….take accountability for our life and where we are today. Start living in this moment….and not 2 hours, 2 days, 2 months, 2 years….down the road. Start to believe what you know to be the truth. THAT YOU ARE A REMARKABLE PERSON. PERIOD!
We want to analyze and analyze until we are blue in the face. We have wanted to blame someone, the doctor, the kid that said that 25 years ago (or longer), our mother, our farther, OUR BODY!!!! There is no one to blame, we are unique, special people…and I wouldn’t change ME for a million dollars. Would you want to change YOU? You at the core….down under all of this worry, anxiety,panic….bull shit?
We must see the positive in us. See our strengths. Love ourselves unconditionally. Be patient. Accept where we are right now. TRUST OURSELVES. PRACTICE, NOT TEST. GET OUT THERE AND TRY, AND WHEN WE FALL, GET UP AND KEEP GOING. No one is keeping score, except us. This isn’t a contest, this is our life…..let’s live it. We must be willing to stand at the edge of the cliff and take a leap of faith…you never know, WE MAY HAVE WINGS!
There is a saying….”when you are going through hell, don’t stop”….
Now, start with baby steps….and don’t stop.
Much love and hugs to you-Silvana
Dear Silvana,
Wow. This is really profound and really beautiful.
Thank you so much for sharing it. I completely agree when you say “this is our life… let’s live it.”
Wow. That’s all I can say. You said is so perfectly.
Thank you again. I hope many people read your comment.
Beautiful and inspiring.
February 28, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog posts. If you’d like, please check out my blog at http://anxietyandme.blogspot.com/ where I have started to chronicle my journey through anxiety and depression. Take care. xoxo
Welcome, Natalie 
Thanks for saying hi.
I will definitely check out your blog.
I am glad to meet you.
March 9, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Welcome back. I haven’t kept up with your blog too well, so I don’t know all of the details, but I just thought I’d say that I do think sometimes a little medication is a wise thing. I don’t have the same disorders, but I definitely don’t have any desire to stop my prozac.
Dear Flicka,
Great to hear from you again!
If I were you, I wouldn’t stop my Prozac either! If it works, it makes no sense to stop.
I really want to stress that I am not “anti-medication.” I just wanted to document my bad experience with taking chronic benzos.
But, I am totally open to taking medication if it would help ameliorate my panic and depression.
Good for you that your antidepressant is helping.
Yay!
March 16, 2008 at 9:57 am
I was browsing through blogs today, trying to keep myself calm, when I found yours.
I have had agoraphobia and will remember always that feeling of panic just thinking about leaving my house. And I wish there was a logical treatment for it, or at least a way to quickly explain to others that you are just afraid to go outside and them be okay with it. But neither is ever going to happen. I never have relied on my Xanax, because I an “uniquely” a hypochondriac that is afraid of drugs. Strange enough, I know. So I do not know how if feels to withdrawal from those crazy things, but I’d like to tell you I know life with agoraphobia and anxiety WITHOUT the drugs, and it is possible.
I can’t tell you what fear is, as I think it’s an irrational silly biological thing anyway. But I can tell you how I’ve overcome some of it. You can and probably will hate me for this, but I need to tell you your husband is doing a disservice to you by accompanying you to these appointments. You should really try and go and just be anxious. and if you don’t make it? who cares. You’re a lot closer by just “trying” to go by yourself that you are making it there with your husband. It’s not easy or even always possible but until you put yourself in the situation you never give yourself a chance to combat it. That will only leave you feeling worse about your symptoms and your self-esteem. Spend everyday pushing yourself a bit: little walks, care-rides by yourself, to appointments, and eventually to appointments WITHOUT a cell-phone! Crazy as it is, I promise it is possible. I wish I could just hand it to you, I know the pain you feel.
I just wanted you to know that you have it in you to beat this. And the best piece of advice I can give you is to remember you are never alone even when you think you are. Every person you see is a little crazy and often willing to help you if you ask. Don’t feel like the world is judging, they are, but only because they are just as afraid as you.
Good Luck!!
Dear Aubrey,
So good to hear from you.
I really appreciate your heart-felt comment; I do, really!
You write:
You can and probably will hate me for this, but I need to tell you your husband is doing a disservice to you by accompanying you to these appointments. You should really try and go and just be anxious.
First, of course I don’t hate you for mentioning it, and, second, I agree with you 99.9%.
I find I progress much more rapidly when I am “forced” to face it all alone.
But, there are still some times when I just need support. In these cases, having him join me is actually helpful.
Yet I totally get your point. Very well said, too.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience with agoraphobia.
March 25, 2008 at 11:09 am
First of all I have been where you are, and I fully understand. Being depressed, comes with dependency of any kind. And after years of not allowing to trust yourself, even being off those addictive benzos, you still have the “saftly” set up, the routine. And no you should not have too many changes at once. Start a journal of things you would like to do. Big and small, and when you do, acomplish something, check it off, and write about how great you feel. Be your own best fan,cheerlead and nurture yourself. Question everthing!!! Depression or relaince, is often anger. Dig,think on your life, and then forgive, starting with yourself, this takes time. Cry scream, laugh, and pray. Ask the universe to hear you,and ask for guidence. And as you heal, share and you will be the light, to help someone else. It is one reason we are here.
All this, discovery, and healing will bring peace. Craziness means you are healing.
Peace-Love-Oneness
Dear Dona,
Welcome!
What a thoughtful comment. I feel much better after reading it.
You are right about “the routine” = safety net. Interesting. I never thought of it exactly like this.
I like your suggestion to forgive myself. This is so very hard… Some part of me is very ashamed for somehow “causing” my body to manifest panic attacks. I do believe I had very weak boundaries in my early 20’s, and that getting “sick” was the ONLY way my subconscious knew how to not be required to do things I really didn’t want to.
I couldn’t say no with my mouth, so I said no with my body.
I do need to forgive myself, my lovely body, my mind, my soul… It was only doing what it could to protect me from pain.
I need to really forgive myself. It’s a small part, because I know logically I am not to blame. But the guilt is still there…
Thank you so much for your encouragement.
March 25, 2008 at 11:24 am
Woops forgot:
Natural Calm plus calcium[Peter Gillhams Natural Vatality] is a wonderful calming agent and good for you. A power, you add to juice or water.
To experience these ills, is denoting an imbalance in your body’s chemistry. Finding out what this is, can be pricy: I use a nurapath, but found out some interesting information. The reason we over eat is due to our cells not being fed properly. Organic is best, Suppliment, and drink lots of pure water, your body is 70% water, brain 80%, Omega, is a must as 80% of us do not get enough EFA’s, brain food. We cannot get the nutrients from our over refined foor supply. Give up coffee, and soda, and sugar. Your body will thank you!
Google, researching, and take notes, when a thing comes up 3 times, I think I am on to something.
A medical doctor is usualy not interested in you getting well, or off drugs. As long as the professionals are rewarded, and educated by the drug companies, we are in peril.
Dona,
You write:
A medical doctor is usualy not interested in you getting well, or off drugs. As long as the professionals are rewarded, and educated by the drug companies, we are in peril.
Isn’t this amazing?
I think I am the last person on earth to realize it. I was so naive.
I know better now. My well-being is in my hands. I am responsible now.
Thank you.
April 6, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I’m sure you already know about this, but cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be a very helpful way to fight panic without drugs, by exposing yourself to situations you fear in a controlled, orderly, step-by-step fashion that takes into account the downsides of making yourself too afraid too early in the process. It really helped me, in any case.
April 25, 2008 at 10:11 am
Hi Eric,
Oh, yes! Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has some essential points to helping with panic attacks. I really believe everyone who has panic attacks needs to study CBT.
Even better — the “improved” CBT, called “ACT” (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).
Two books in particular:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Anxiety Disorders, by Georg H. Eifert, Ph.D., and John P. Forsyth, Ph.D.
and,
The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, by John P. Forsyth, Ph.D.
If you are a non-professional, like myself, I’d start with the second book. The workbook.
Thank you for sharing something that works for you! That’s great!
May 2, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Hi There. Back from a snack. Ok, I think that change is an on going process and if you learn to be OK with this then you will always have a plan for life. baby steps, a step back? Whatever it takes, even if you have to stay on a small amount of valium to help you get through. I am almost off all my meds except the 2mgs of zanex (down from 6-then 3 then 2) I can do fine on 2 and 1/2 if i need to have a pretty normal life, but i am going to try and go as far as i can tackling each fear until it has no power over me and reduce as i blend in the world and no sooner. This is how it’s done…It’s better to have a life then NO life without any drugs at all. We are all different. Some of us will be able to live without any, and some may need some, and for others more.
I feel that if you focus more on proper diet, daily exercise, daily meditation, support, space, etc. and get out there with people at your own pace, the more your brain “re-wires” itself and heals itself. Find out what you need and allow that to be a part of your healing process. All or nothing seldom works. I am going for broke, but if i can’t handle it i have decided to stay on a small amount of benzos “as needed” until it’s time for me to let go of some or all of the drug or stay on a small amount. As times goes by and you make ajustments you need what you need, just don’t overdo it. Remember “balance” in everything.
I have decided that i will not be stubborn because I’m pissed at the doctors who put me on this crap years ago and say i don’t want any of it anymore! Truth is that i have to ajust to life in a different way now, slowly….a very long tapper of life ;O) and sometimes i may need support and love, sometimes to go off the diet once or twice, or whatever. It’s all about moving with the moment and the rythym of your inner self. Self love is the most powerful healer of all and you have to dedicate your life to your comfort and happiness even if it means you can not be perfect and you have bad days (who doesn’t?).
Nothing is perfect anyway, we are all a work in progress. Take your time and use small amounts of whatever it is you need here and there to help you get to your goals in life, even if it means using some of your old poison now and then. Maybe use something that helps with calming you yet is non addictive and assist with the gabba in the brain. Good natural sources that help me currently are B-12, Kava and melatonin at bedtime along with my current ritual which is always changing just like life.
I’m curious? after you stopped, did you continue to have withdraw symptoms or is it just a fear of being outside? I only feel fearful around people as i am feeling a withdraw and then need to keep myself calm until I’m home. But if I’m OK at home, then why can’t i be OK with others? Is it withdraw or a fear that people will see my withdraw? Stiff neck, ringing in ears, sweats? Humm, that’s withdraw to me and of course feeling fearful. But, once i take a small dose of benzo i am OK depending on the situation. The more i challenge myself and get used to public places in withdraw, the less withdraw there is.
Kino
Hi again, Kino 
You write:
Remember “balance” in everything.
Some of us will be able to live without any [medication], and some may need some, and for others more.
This, to me, is very, very profound. I thank you for this as I go through yet another transition. You’ve inspired me to blog again soon.
PS: What is your URL Kino? I get an invalid link when I try to visit your blog or your web page. Thanks!
May 23, 2008 at 1:18 am
Hello, HSP Woman.
I have just found your blog. I’m glad you wrote here and left it up for others to read. I took benzos every day for seven years. I am off them, too. I quit last year. Still, every once in a while I will take a small dose. Sometimes I do it for two or three days in a row or two or three times in the same week if I am really in a bad way. Mostly I don’t take them and can go for weeks without needing that kind of relief. I have problems with anxiety, PTSD, messed up sleeping hours, agoraphobia, and sometimes depression because of it all. Like you, that stuff did not go away when I quit the medication. The anxiety has lessened since I have been dealing with past issues, but even though I have come a long way with that, my quality of life is not where I would like it to be. I rely very heavily on my husband, too. It’s not that I can’t go outside. I go out, but I’m not comfortable doing it without him. I have tried many C/B therapies, but in my case (because of trauma) all they did was help me find cool new ways to stuff down the issues I was avoiding dealing with. They couldn’t stay buried forever and it all finally caught up with me. I thought I was losing my mind because of the anxiety, desperation, and terrible ill feelings it all caused. Ironically, it was the beginning of GAINING my mind. I still don’t have it entirely ‘gained’, but I’m working on it. Now if I could just figure out what the hell to do with it…
I need to work on taking some small steps to getting back outside. I have gone a couple of places alone in the last couple of months, but they have been quick trips close to home. I see you have not posted, but I am very curious about how you are doing. Do you think you might post anymore? I read in one of your answers in comments above that you have taken some doses of medication. I sure hope you don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about that. No one can possibly know how truly horrible it can be to have debilitating anxiety unless they experience it for themselves. If you want to change the direction of your blog, you can do it. It’s yours. I’m sure you would still have readers. In a way, I changed my blog, too. More accurately, it changed as I moved through different things. It did cost me some readers, but I’m okay with that. Looking back, I guess I really was a rather hysterical and pitiable type when I started blogging. That’s because I was a mess. I lost some readers when I began to express my anger about having been traumatized, but I stood my ground and I think I am better off for it. I think that whatever direction you move in, there will be people who are supportive and appreciate reading here. The world is a very diverse place. I hope it has been treating you well.
Dear Lynn,
I apologize for getting back to you so late. Your comment really hit the spot tonight, and so I wanted to connect with you. Really, what you said is very profound and honest and full of love.
I can really relate to what you say about you weren’t LOSING your mind, you were GAINING it. That’s very eloquently stated. It made me feel so much better, especially tonight.
Thank you for your concern. I am feeling very well over all these days. Summer is here again…
-HSP Woman
June 5, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Hi HSP woman,
I check your feed everyday still….
Do you have any plans to continue…I miss you very much!
June 11, 2008 at 12:23 am
I’ve been checking, too. Checking and silently wishing you well.
July 7, 2008 at 12:29 am
Dear lovely Gianna and Lynn
Thanks for your enduring support. I am here every day, lurking around, approving comments, thinking about what to write next…
I am feeling a new post bubble up as I write!
Again, thank you for your concern. I am more fine than not, so this is good.
I hope everyone had a peaceful weekend.
-HSP Woman
August 12, 2008 at 5:50 am
Hello, HSP Woman:
I’m here to add my encouragement to this blog community you’ve created. Also, I’d like to add one new thought.
From what you’ve written, I suspect you are not just an HSP but an empath. All empaths are HSPs but not the other way around. An estimated 1 in 5 Americans is an HSP, while 1 in 20 is an empath.
If you were born as an empath, until you are also skilled, you will constantly be picking up stress, fear, pain belonging to others. But it is possible to learn skills that change this, so you turn your gift(s) OFF most of the time and turn them ON when you wish to, selectively, and using techniques that keep you from taking on any stuff from other people.
Here’s an example from “Josie,” who was able to get out of the house when I met her, but with great difficulty. When she would ride on the subway, she couldn’t stay in any one seat for long, because she would take on anxiety, etc. from whoever she sat near. She’d move after a few minutes or seconds. Soon she’d be moving into different subway cars. All that, just to take what should have been a simple little trip.
I was able to help Josie. (In fact, she said, the second day she worked with me, “Come to think of it, when I took the subway today, I never changed my seat once.”)
*I do invite you to take a look at my book for empaths at http://www.roserosetree.com/empathybook.htm .
* Also, you can hear a healthy sound bite of the audiobook edition of “Empowered by Empathy,” too: http://www.roserosetree.com/empathyaudio.htm).
* If you have questions, you can ask them at my blog, http://www.rose-rosetree.com/blog and I’ll do my best to answer.
HSP Woman, maybe your new direction will be to join the growing number of empaths who are getting skills!
Sending very best wishes,
Rose
September 18, 2008 at 10:47 am
Hi Rose,
How nice to hear from you.
I have had your book, Empowered by Empathy, on my “to-read” pile for a while! I am so glad you stopped by so that I could move it to the head of the line.
I’ve skimmed the book, and it’s exactly me. I am most definitely empathic (and yet unskilled) and highly sensitive.
I look forward to learning more about my empathy, and how to control it.
You have a lot to share with the world. I appreciate your comment.
-HSP Woman
February 16, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I wish that someone wold answwer and help me. I am a total mental case…after benzo use for 15 years, 8 hospitalizations and ECT. I don’t go anywhere…i have a friend who gets my mail but he is leaving for 4 months (last year I lived with a friend, but she won’t take me back. I have Clinical depression, GAD PTSD and the worst panic anxiety attacks and consistent anxiety that can be imagined. I stay in m,y room, do not want to bathe and am in an awful condition. I m unable to taper by myself, I don;’t exercise or eat…I am going through a 4 year divorce with a man who abused me. He is alcoholic. I am a recovered alcoholic. I have paradoxical reactions to anti-depressants. I take the benzo (clonapezam) at night and i am still not sleeping and I am getting worse eacj day. I wake up so ill if I do sleep 1 and 1/3 hour…and this hs beeen going on for over a year. I am desperate….Pleas does any one know where i can go for some real help….as I see no hope at this time…and virtually will have no support. I cannot drive and won’t even go to the hairdresser and I look like hell…..all the grey. and half beached blonde..I am 62 and I so need help. PLEASE…someone help me. I have even been to Mayo cliic… more drugs and benzos. I can’t find a doctor who will help me taper and I am afraid that after i taper that i will sbe even worse. I cannot go on like this…and I don’t want to live anymore…I am certain that there is someone who understands…..THANK YOU for this place to share….Thank you. ginger… PLEASE HELP ME TO HELP MYSELF…i AM AFRAID THAT i AM BEYOND GETTING WELL OR EVEN QUASI FUNCTUNIONING….THANK YOU.
February 25, 2009 at 6:10 am
I came on here to comment on HSP Woman’s post – which I got a lot from.
But after reading all the comments and replies I have come away with so much more, my mind is so full off all the great tips I have lost my train of thought to write my own comment.
I am feeling ready to face the world (shame its 11pm here )
Thanks everyone
Ruby
April 24, 2009 at 9:40 am
I by accident came up on your blog today and though I am a bit lost I have really enjoyed this blog..
I am also one who has suffered from the benzo beast; for the third time in my 61 years of life.. I am now down to 6 mgs of Valium after being on 15 mg’s. I reinstated after doing a less than 2 month taper off 4 mgs of Klonpin. Problem was I had been off the Klonopin for 6 months when I threw in the towel and reinstated to Valium at the advise of someone that thought they knew a lot. The told me if I didn’t I would end up with long protracted w/d..
I will write more but Just wanted to introduce myself. I hope I can come back on and find this post.. I want to try out that little heart.. I agree it is cute but I have tried it in an email and it didn’t work.. I will try here.
I am on a website forum called http://www.benzowithdrawal.com and am getting lots of support on there and many there do titration. I am getting ready to cross from dry cutting to water titration.
Donna♥
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February 11, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Hi..Good to see you back and well done for getting off the meds
What am i so afraid of?
I wrote a post on my blog or i left a message on a forum about this the other day.
You talk about not trusting your body/mind or behaviour, but if we can’t trust ourselves…who can we trust? I personally lost all faith in myself many years ago!!
I imagine your depression is not helping with your mood and desire to go out. If you went to a doc. he’d want to give you a little something to help you out and thats exactly what you don’t want. Its a matter of regaining faith in yourself and your ability to overcome this illness. I have no doubt you are completely capable of conquering it….
You read some good blogs there, they have a lot of wonderful advice to give, sadly, if i had advice, i would be well myself…
Sarah♥