I’m Still Standing
Posted on: April 7, 2010
- In: agoraphobia | anxiety | anxiety & depression | anxiety attacks | benzodiazepines | depression | ECT | panic disorder | TMS
- 17 Comments
I’m still here, wanting to write because so many things have evolved since first starting this blog a couple of years ago.
I am still bald.
I am now back on benzodiazepines to help with my anxiety and panic attacks.
My depression is still around, not chronically, but often enough to be concerned.
I’ve made a move to start teaching ESL again, at home, but still it’s a step in the right direction.
I’ve adopted a dog.
I’ve lost 40 pounds, and I go to the gym regularly.
I can drive alone to many places.
I can go to the doctor alone.
I still can’t do the grocery shopping alone, among many other things….
So, you can see that many things have changed. I am eager to share my thoughts and feelings with whomever is still around. I have so many emotions about starting to take meds again. I just need to vent.
I am also angry and frustrated that I am still anxious and depressed. There are no antidepressants left on the market that I haven’t tried. I am considered “treatment resistant.”
Last week, in session with my psychiatrist, the last two alternatives treatments presented were
• transcranial magnetic stimulation, and,
• ECT
Wow.
17 Responses to "I’m Still Standing"
April 19, 2010 at 12:45 pm
This is a FANTASTIC lady with ONE FANTASTIC BLOG! Do you realize how much PURE GOOD you’re doing by publisishing your travails? Well….. it’s a LOT!
May 29, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Just happened upon your blog after digging around the web for thyroid sites. I have a little story to share that might inspire you.
A little over a year ago I had been taking Abilify, Zoloft, and Klonopin for two years because I was diagnosed as bipolar. I suffered from mood disorders galor for 10+ years prior to that. n my new meds, I gained 40 pounds and had a nagging sense that there was something else going on. At the time, I was being treated for Hashimoto’s, so that took a tiny edge off my symptoms, but I didn’t feel GOOD! In fact, I felt half dead.
I took a major mental leap and looked at my diet. I bought a cookbook (the whole life nutrition cookbook) since it looked nice. Turned out it was full of recipes that were gluten, dairy, and egg free. I read it like a text book and learned that many of my symptoms might be caused by gluten and dairy. I was fine with taking dairy about, but gluten!! NO!! I was the carb queen! And, after that reaction, I decided to cut out gluten and dairy for two weeks. It was really challenging! But I felt fan-freakin-tastic! When I ate gluten, my mood shifted, my joints ached, I had NO gut issues, and I slept for a few days in a row.
A little over a year later, here is what I’ve learned:
* Gluten makes me bi-polar, complete with suicidal ideation and massive panic attacks. When I ingest it (like wheat germ in lipstick, for example), I have to go back on meds for two weeks. My psychiatrist has never seen a case like mine.
* Corn and nuts bring about even more anxiety. I took them out for a week. I ate 5 corn flakes as a challenge and was riddled with anxiety for the next few hours.
*Eggs make my sinuses congested sometimes. My ears pop now when I eat them. Weird.
* Yeast makes my lymph nodes in my neck swell.
* Whiskey is fine! Whew! (distillation burns off the gluten)
* I fell off the wagon with my thryoid meds (after Armour was removed from the market) and have been feeling okay, but not super. I start on a new prescription this week. My thyroid hormones are back to normal (doc says it is because I’ve taken out all allergenic foods). I still have antibodies, though.
I was always dubious when I heard mothers talking to me about how their kid can’t eat yellow #5 and corn because it made them nuts. I was also dubious when I read about people who were uber sensitive to trace amounts of gluten. How ironic that I am one of those people. Food & mood can be inextricably linked.
So what do I eat? A Primal/Paleo diet. Meat and veggies all day long. It isn’t easy and it has been a long process of eliminating and reintroducing – trial and error. But I no longer feel like I’m the walking dead and it is so, so worth it.
~kelly
June 3, 2010 at 6:04 am
I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. I want to add another thing that might be helpful (or not, I don’t really know) — it’s Holotropic Breathwork. It’s a transpersonal method of deep psychological healing that some people find quite beneficial (then again, not all do). It might be better than ECT 
Anyway, good luck with your further journey… where ever it might take you!
June 17, 2010 at 9:11 am
Hi again, do you remember me, it’s been a long time since I first found you on this site, I’m regularly on Alopecia World, are you on there too? I’d like to friend you there, let me know. I have been battling the Ophiasis pattern for so long now, but I’m now getting spots in the upper regions….oh dear!!! I was glad to find you again, and sorry to hear that you went AT, or is it AU, I had felt so hopeful at first with this pattern thinking it would not progress, but there are no for sures with AA right? I’m glad to hear that your getting out more, my sons have both suffered with Anxiety Attacks, and more than likely depression too, with guys it’s a little harder to tell, women are so much more able to express their emotions. I myself have had periods in my life where anxiety ruled, thankfully I have not had a panic attack since my youngest was a baby (he just turned 25) it seems like this is epidemic now, everyone I know has a story to tell about this, either themselves or a family memeber…..I often think it’s got to be our enviroment, but with all the chemicals these days where do you start??? How did your AA progress? I’m using the Minoxidil and Clobetasol right now, don’t know if they are helping really, just feel I must do something….what a helpless feeling, are you wearing a wig?? I’m thinking of buying one again, wish this thing would just shut itself off. I’m looking forward to hearing from you again. Stay strong.
Christine
June 21, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Hi Christine!
I’d love to connect with you offline 
Send me your email to hspwoman”at”sbcglobal.net
I am over at AW, too. I usually don’t wear a wig, but, rather, a hat or scarf or even nothing!
I ordered a Freedom Hair piece though. I am really excited. You know, the vacuum wigs from New Zealand?
I probably won’t wear it every day, but it’ll be nice to have a really nice wig, just in case….
We have a lot to share… Thanks for connecting. I hope to hear from you offline soon. Then we can connect on AW, too.
Have a nice evening!
June 19, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Hey HSP Woman,
Sorry to hear about your difficulties in finding a med that works for you.
Just wondering whether you have tried medications other than antidepressants and benzos, like mood stabilizers?
July 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I am taking 100mg of topiramate. Have you heard of this medication? I’ve been on it since October 2009. Not sure how well it’s working, but overall, things are steadily improving. However (and a BIG however) I don’t attribute any of my improvement of late to the medication.
I am also taking Klonopin again (2.0 mg). UGH.
July 5, 2010 at 9:38 pm
P.S We miss your posts. You are an inspirational person. Take care.
July 5, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Hi Eclectic! How are you these days?
Good to hear from you. Thanks for taking time to say such nice things. It means a lot. I am gearing up for a two-week alone time — my husband is leaving for Spain and I am here without him. I am slightly less panicky this time because we have a houseguest who will be in an out, but still! My “safe person” is a 12-hour flight away.
I was planning on writing about it actually. It always helps me get through the rough times having your guys’ support. What a great community!
I sincerely hope you are feeling happy and healthy.
July 6, 2010 at 5:25 am
Yes I’ve heard of Topiramate. My pdoc has suggested i try a mood stabiliser, so I’m doing some research to see what is available. My antidepressants make me feel manicky at times and that is adding to my anxiety. Problem is i feel ALOT worse off the meds than on them. It sux to be on meds, but I’m over worrying about it… all I want is some peace and quality of life, so I’m willing to try any med if there is the possibility of some improvement.
I’m glad you’ve had some improvement lately.
Re: safe person, I know what that feels like. Make sure to keep busy when hubby is away, it will keep your mind off the worry. The internet is a good distraction for that!
Take care, and hope to read more from you! You’ll never realise how much your blogging means to others who are suffering the burden of mental illness. I read your blog and it makes me feel less alone in my battle with this illness.
July 8, 2010 at 4:32 pm
I’m gald we have each other, Eclectic.
I’ve made it 24 hours without him and I am just fine.
On a scale of 1-10, my worst anxiety went to about a 7 just before bed just for a few minutes.
I am doing very well this time.
I even went out driving today!
I hope you find some relief with a mood stabilizer. They can help if you find the right match. Don’t give up if the first try isn’t the best fit. Sometimes it takes a few trials.
Peace is a great goal. I say we make it both our goals this year…
July 10, 2010 at 6:42 pm
You’ll be just fine without him- you’re a strong lady! Remind yourself of that.
Well done on the driving! Which reminds me… I need to get out and practice more of it!
Take care, and feel free to email us if you ever need some support or want to chat.
October 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm
I’m so glad to have found your blog. I am also a highly sensitive woman struggling with agoraphobia and anxieties, ocd, depression, etc. Eclectic is right, this blog makes us feel less alone!
I noticed that you haven’t posted a blog in a very long time and I hope things are well with you. I just wanted you to know that you’ve helped me quite a bit… reading about how writing helps you process things made me think to start journaling again and that has had a positive effect on my emotions and thoughts.
I also made my partner read your blog about being a panic attack support person (among others) and just reading your entries has helped her understand what I’ve been going through!
October 12, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Welcome, Ashley!
We sound like twins! Just this morning, I am not kidding, I was thinking about posting. How funny. SO much has changed for me since starting this blog, and last night, I felt like I was back at square one.
I was panicking and my husband was asking me why I was “allowing” it to happen. I told him to just stop talking, to just stop trying to comfort me. That’s one thing I’ve come to realize. He cannot and will not ever really be able to comfort me in the midst of a panic attack. It’s me who brings me down, only me.
I am really super duper glad my words could help anyone, anyone at all, know what it’s like for us. It’s so damn hard to explain, isn’t it? Look at my dear husband. Twenty years he’s known me and 20 years he still really just doesn’t “get it.”
Sure, he knows more than a psychiatrist probably about the mechanisms of panic, the “techniques” of calming oneself down, etc, but he’ll never know the *reality* of what it feels like to be losing one’s mind. It’s really not explainable. That’s why these type of blogs, once I found them, saved me.
I wish they had been around 22 years ago!
Anyway, I digress…
It’s so nice for you to take time to comment.
Actually, you’ve inspired me to start posting again. I think I felt better when I did. And, it helps us all when we can be a community of support.
Thanks!
December 1, 2010 at 6:50 pm
I know what you mean about when you’re panicking. I usually just need physical comfort… to be held or something. Although sometimes that makes me panic more, it all just depends. I hate how hard it is for my partner… and you’re right, they don’t really know what it’s like. They understand more than most, but still.
Tonight is her company holiday party and it’s at a bar. There will be over 100 people there. After much back and forth about how to handle it, we have made an agreement that we will get there early before it gets crowded and we can leave whenever I want to. I’m still so nervous because I haven’t been in a bar for months and can’t remember when I was last around that many people. scary! But atleast I’m getting out of the house a little bit these days.
I hope you feel up to posting again, especially since it helps you to feel better. I think a community of support is extremely helpful, especially to those who don’t have the resources to see a professional. I’m just hoping that moving to a smaller, less stressful town in the spring will make things better for me. Where I’m living now is so hectic, there’s no way to leave my house and avoid anxiety. I think that’s why my agoraphobia has progressed so quickly.
Hope everything is well with you, I know the holidays can be hard to handle… stress everywhere!
Comments are closed.
April 10, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Hello sweetie, pleased to find you writing again! You’re doing so much! Wow. I would love to go to the gym, but am too afraid to go alone. Well done indeed! I’m so proud of your achievements.
It’s hardly suprising that the depression is hard to overcome whilst panic and anxiety is still ongoing. When you feel that you cannot do all you would wish and are relying upon others to help, then being an independently minded spirit as you are, this kinda thing is going to effect your overall mood. I’m sure of it, and it’s not that you’re resistant to medication, it’s more that you don’t have the sort of control over your whole life as you would wish. Anxious thoughts soon translate into negative thinking, and so the depression begins and stays around. At least this is how I feel, and it may be the same or not so for you too?
ECT sounds way too scary!
Sending you much love and a big virtual hug wonderful lady. What you feel, you’re not alone. Xx